Peanut Butter. Super Chunky. $1.83.

I can't explain my love affair with peanut butter.  It's not as intense as my love and admiration for Diet Coke, but it comes close.  Before I proceed, let's get a few things straight.

• I will only eat Skippy Naturals.  It doesn't have any partially hydrogenated oils in it.  I'm just healthy like that, bitches.
• If you try and give me creamy, I will straight up stab you.  I've tried creamy and it's disgusting.  I will only eat crunchy. 

Delicious

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As previously discussed, I often wake up in the middle of the night and eat-- almost always it's peanut butter.  I'll grab a spoon and dig in.  It's so satisfying and delicious.  Usually, I'll have 2 heaping spoonfuls and wash it down with a Diet Coke.  Do you know how many calories are in peanut butter?  A lot.  I told myself that I wouldn't buy more, as it would be a lot nicer to my waistline.  I was ok with the breakup until I went to Target today.  The shit was on sale for $1.83 a jar.  Seriously, how can I refuse?  They are practically giving the shit away.  So I bought 2 jars (which I have yet to open).  My sister called me a weirdo, but I didn't care.  I told her if I'm so weird she can't have any.

I'm not sharing my peanut butter with assholes.

The End.

Socks

Why can't I ever find socks that match?  I seriously have 6000 pairs and can't find 2 that match.  I have socks to correspond with each season and holiday- St. Patrick's Day, Christmas, Halloween, Easter, Valentine's Day, AND I have tons of random ones also.  I even have pirate kitty socks.  How cute is that?

At this very moment I'm wearing one penguin sock and one with paw prints, a kitty, and yarn balls.  These clearly do not match.  The penguin one is two toned blues and the kitty one it predominately tan.  I'm such a disaster.

Whenever I'm trying to look for matching socks, it always reminds me of the game Memory.  And I'm not talking about the new fancy Memory, but the old one with the generic ass pictures.  We didn't have fun Disney character version.

 
Here's my fucked up version of the game: first, I go into the laundry room (in the dryer, or on top of the dryer).  I see 14 different socks (with no matches of course), then I go into my room and try to find mates.  THEN if I'm unsuccessful I try the laundry basket.  So, I'm trying to remember which socks I had previously seen.  Of course I'm late for work, so I don't have time to fuck around.  I have to be quick thinking and clear headed for this task.  Sometimes I'm successful- other times not so much.  I wear mis-matched socks and hope no one notices.

Why can't I be like everyone else and have a god damn sock drawer?  I really wish I was organized and not a giant disaster all the time.  Since my sis moved in, she's constantly looking for socks also.  The other day she got all persnickety and said she can only wear matching socks.  Well excuse me, your highness.  Get your own fucking socks and keep them in a fucking sock drawer and stop asking me where matches are.  Don't let her fool you, she's a god damn disaster too.

I feel extra defeated.  I ended up buying a boring 10 pack of white ankle socks from Target today.  I'm sure those will be lost in 10 days.  But the next 10 days will be glorious indeed.

I really need to get my shit together. 




   

I Almost Died Today, Then I Laughed

How many times have you seen the movie Home Alone? I swear I've seen it 600 times.  I absolutely love it- it's seriously one of the best family movies ever.  It's incredibly charming, funny, and Maculay Culkin is adorable. 

Do you remember the scene where Kevin is returning home from shopping and he almost gets hit by the Wet Bandit's rapist van?  The van comes 2 inches from his face and he screams?  Well, that's what happened to Laura and I today, however, the scream was replaced by uncontrollable laughter.

Laura and I went to Target today.  As we were walking through the goddamn rain, a van (oddly enough) apparently didn't see the STOP sign, nor did he see us WALKING ACROSS THE GODDAMN STREET.  Mind you, it was a super rainy day- very dark out.  I was wearing a fucking bright turquoise sweatshirt, which I'm fairly certain was pretty noticeable.  Umm I guess it wasn't because they almost ran us down.  I'm not exaggerating, the fucking van was a foot away from me, then abruptly stopped.  Those assholes had tinted windows, and perhaps that's why they didn't see us... or perhaps it was stupidity, or a little of both.

What would a normal person do?  Maybe yell at the driver "what the fuck are you doing??!!"? Or simply call them assholes and proceed into the store.  What did we do?  We fucking laughed hysterically, that's what we did.  I was smiling at the driver, threw my hands in the air and said (with the smile still on my face) "what are you doing?"  Meanwhile, Laura was laughing like a hyena.  I then said "JESUS CHRIST" while STILL laughing.  A lady and her son were exiting the store and apparently saw what happened and THEY WERE LAUGHING TOO!!!  

Mind you, this would've been the perfect opportunity for me to use my favorite saying "eat shit and die", but I was too busy laughing.  What is wrong with me?!  


We entered Target and we were still laughing.  I asked my sis why we were laughing.  Afterall, we almost got mowed down and she said she didn't know.  After we calmed down, we were trying to rationalize the laughter and the ridiculous behavior.  Me: "Well maybe it was just nervous laughter, like we didn't know how to react. And ummm do you remember in Home Alone when Kevin almost gets hit by the Wet Bandit's van?"  Sister: "I was thinking about that too!!!!!".  Sometimes it's scary how we think so much alike.  Weird.

So there you have it.  Two morons, no answers, a near death experience, and lots of laughing.  I swear to God.  

Here We Go Again

Ok, so I'm going on a management "retreat" for work.  Basically, it's brainwashing by a guest speaker about leadership.  Hopefully, I will be indeed brainwashed.  Seriously, I need that shit.  I'm not good at bossing people around and I'm even worse at confrontations.  I force myself to do it, but it's hard.  I'm a horrible boss, but I suppose knowing is half the battle, right?

I'm worried about the social part of the retreat.  All other management/supervisors, medical directors will be there also.  Which means I'll be forced to partake in my favorite activity- talking to people I don't know.  I'm nervous already because I don't want to people to misconstrue my shyness as being a snob, as I've previously discussed and complained about. 

I remember last year, I was singled out and asked a question about something undoubtedly lame.  I don't know how but I squeaked out a perfectly acceptable answer, but I still felt like a dumb ass.  I HATE speaking in front of large groups.  UGH.  It's just so funny how I can be so open to people who know me, but so distant to others. 

I'm not totally complaining.  Afterall, I get 3 days off from my actual job, paid, which is cool.  I get free food for a few days.  I get my own room at the Sir Frances Drake Hotel in SF.  AND we get to go to the SF zoo on Wednesday afternoon for a tour.  I think we get to feed the giraffes!!! Awesome!  So, it's not all that bad, I suppose.  Really, I'm grateful I get to go... it's not VCA's fault that I'm lame and can't talk to people.

I'm bringing my computer so I can blog about anything of interest-- any interesting happenings and such.  So we'll see.  Wish me and my lameness luck....

Things I Love (in no particular order)

1. Bleach.  I love the way it burns the black out of my hair.
2. Tweezers.  God help me if I ever lose them.
3. DVR.  I watch way too much tv.  No seriously I watch too much tv.
4. Directv.  See above.
5. Peanut Butter.  Crunchy. One of my favorite foods ever.
6. My pups and kits
7. My family and friends.
8. Reading a good book.
9. Learning about ghosts/hauntings, etc.
10. Drinking lots and lots of Diet Coke
11. Telling everything to eat shit and die.
12. My iPhone.  It's pretty much glued to my hand.  I can't wait to get the new one.
13. Travel
14. London.  I swear I would go back tomorrow. 
15. Cooking.  Especially for my fam and friends. :)
16. Rain.
17. Complaining.
18. Candles.  Ummm I have dogs.
19. Photography.  Even though I suck.
20. Organizing and making things look nice (when I'm not being lazy).

I'm sure I've left out lots of stuff, but I'm getting super tired.  Shit, I've busted out 3 blogs.  Awesome.  This particular one is lame, but it didn't take too much thought.  And since I'm always bitching about things I hate (i.e. baby carrots), I thought it would be nice to discuss things I enjoy.

Maybe there will even be a part 2 :)

Sexy Halloween Costumes

So, I was going to be Lady Gaga for Halloween until my sister stated the obvious, "you know EVERYONE is going to be her".  Yeah, I know.  And I didn't care.  I wanted to be her anyways.  But with lack of imagination and time, I decided to be something else.  My sister suggested Alice in Wonderland.  Awesome, I already have blonde hair- so that totally works.  I was excited and cleverly said to my sis "ooooh I can get a black headband".  Clearly she wasn't in a good mood and replied sarcastically "yeah well that's a good idea since she wears a black headband".  Well, fuck you, sister.  Geez.

Anyways, so I was looking at costumes online.  God forbid I get my ass up and go to the Halloween store.  Which, I may add, I probably will go-- but it's Sunday night, bitches and shit isn't open.  So, I'm browsing different websites and they all share a common bond-- all of the adult women costumes are "SEXY".  Ohh here we go.  I even found a "sexy" Minnie Mouse and "sexy" Daisy Duck.  Jesus Christ.  Are you kidding me?

Sexy Pink Minnie Mouse Adult Costume

Why Am I Paranoid?

I'm laying on the couch and I can't sleep.  I believe there are a few reasons as to why I can't sleep.  The main one is I'm a paranoid asshole. 

As you know, I've been house sitting all week.  I talked to Annie during the week and verified when she'd be coming home.  She told me early Sunday afternoon.  So, I cleaned, picked up all my DC cans, etc. this morning.  She told me to put the dog, Cody, in the backyard and they would be home after 12pm.

What's the problem?  Well, I'm scared that I misunderstood and that they aren't actually going to be home until tomorrow.  Which would be a huge, awful thing, because Cody needs his insulin twice daily.  He's also outside.  Christ.  And I never put Annie's cell number in my new phone (which is also bad because if I have a crisis with one of my kids I always call her).  Anyways, it's too late to call her. 

I'm so lame.  Sometimes I worry too much.