Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Brood

The movie:  The Brood (1979)

The synopsis:  I'm not really sure of an accurate summary.  However, this is what I've gathered from the internet.  The movie is about a pack of demented/deformed children who love killing for their "mother". This "mother" has these disgusting pods on the outside her body from which the babies emerge from. These little creatures grow up into extra creepy children. Basically, anyone who pisses off the mom is brutally beaten and killed by one or more of these little monster children.  The creepiest part:  the kids always wear these snow outfit things with a hood.  So all you see is their creepy little faces surrounded by a tightly fitted hood.  

The significance:  One of my earliest childhood memories involves this movie.  Horrifying.  I'm not sure how old I was, but I'm willing to bet I was under four.  It scared the shit out of me, as I remember one particular scene in the movie quite vividly.
The scene:  The only thing I remember about the movie is a scene where several of these creepy bastards were trying to claw, punch, scratch, and gnaw their way through a door.  On the other side of the door was a little blonde girl, terrified.  Ummmm. Me.  Little girl.  Blonde.  Bangs.  Terrified.  Oh shit.  Yes, that's what I remember.  These deformed, awful kids trying to kill a little blonde girl.  Yes, once upon a time I had blonde hair-- real blonde, not the fake I have now.  Let me tell you.  It scared the shit out of me.  Let me reiterate, it fucking scared the shit out of me.  So much, that I remember being absolutely terrified.  My earliest childhood memory involves this movie.  Fabulous.


Dear God

Youtube:  So i thought it would be funny to watch other scenes on youtube.  Just to see what I was so afraid of.  Honestly, I love scary movies and watch them pretty frequently.  However, I was actually nervous to start watching this, my heartrate even increased a little.  And let me tell you, it was scary!!!  Not like Freddy Krueger scary, but creepy, disturbing scary.  One particular scene was in a classroom.  Two of those snow-suit wearing little mother fuckers picked up a couple of mallets and started bludgeoning the teacher!!!  No lie, they were wailing on that bitch until she was a lifeless heap on the floor.  Her head was smashed and she was laying upon a pool of congealing blood.  Are you kidding me??!!!

CPS:  I bet CPS didn't exist then, but if they did, someone should have picked up the phone and called them.  Who in the fuck let me watch this movie?  I was talking about it one day and my dad goes... "yeah, I remember that movie-- all those deformed kids with parkas"... he informed me "they killed people their mom didn't like".  So, it was my dad?!!  He let poor little 4 year old me watch this movie??  Jesus Christ.  I can't imagine my parents would willingly let me watch this movie... I like to think that they thought I was playing and wasn't paying attention.  Who knows... All I know is that shit has been embedded in my brain for 29 years.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Things I Hate (Relating to Food)

1.  Mushrooms.  One word.  Disgusting.  I especially hate the way they smell.   Have you ever seen those shit dens where certain mushrooms are grown?  In shit, in the dark.  I like my food relatively shit free, thank you.

2.  Weird meats.  Self explanatory.  Veal, venison, duck, rabbit, lamb.  No Christmas goose for me. Organ meat...absolutely no liver, kidneys, etc. Disgusting. 

Omg.  PP, do you have Trader Joe's in Mass?  They have the best vegetarian corndogs...soooo good!!

3.  Cheap ground meat.  You know, when there's grissle in it. Ew.  And this includes sausage and  hotdogs.  I gave up on that shit unless they are a. kosher or b. vegetarian (which I prefer the most).

4.  Meat and or eggs that are loaded with antibiotics, and the animals which are treated like shit and slaughtered so we can eat them.  I only buy cage free, organic eggs (eggs kinda creep me out anyways).  If I buy chicken, it's antibiotic-free, naturally fed, free range.  That shit is expensive, so I'll buy it twice a year. 

When I cook, it's almost entirely vegetarian.  Seriously, maybe a few times a year I'll make chicken.  I just don't think you need meat to a. be healthy or b. have a good meal.  Handling raw meat makes me gag anyways.  Sickening.  If I cook it , I regret it because it's soooo gross looking.  Ew!

Hey, I'm not perfect, I'll go out and eat, and of course I don't require everything to be organic, etc.  Too difficult and expensive.  A secret about me... I love McDonald's cheeseburgers--- delicious.  That is my total guilty pleasure.  Yum.  Why are they so good?  And why am I a hypocrite?

5.  Meat that has fat, veins, tendons, bones, grissle, etc.

6.  Deli meat.  Have you ever bought turkey from the deli?  If the light hits it just right, there's a rainbow embedded on the surface of the meat.  Sooooooo gross.  I was making sangwiches for my sister and I when I discovered it.  SICK!  My sister told me to shut up--- I was obsessed.  Why is there a rainbow on the meat?????  Why???  Rainbow.  On.  The.  Meat??????  On the meat?!! Ewwwww. Someone told me it was the nitrates they use to preserve it.  Even the expensive one is laced with rainbow.  Cheese sangwiches for me.  I can't do it.

7.  Food remnants.  When someone doesn't clean the jelly off the knife and puts it in the peanut butter-- then there's jelly in the peanut butter.  That shit is disgusting.  It's the same with butter.  I will fucking cut you if I find a. crumbs in my butter or b. jelly in my butter.  Soooo nasty.  And I've found butter and other random stuff (LIKE POTATO PARTICLES) in my sour cream.  It makes me mad thinking about it.

8.  Mayonnaise.  I absolutely hate when I get a sangwich and there's mayo dripping out of it.  Disgusting.  I only like it if it's nicely placed--- barely any.  I can even deal without it.  I don't know why it makes me gag.  I can, however, eat it in like potato salad.  But it's mixed in with something, so it's different.

9.  Expiration dates.  If something is expired I throw it away.  I don't know why, but I'm weird about it.  I absolutely hate it when someone throws away the thing to keep the bag to the bread closed.  You know why?  Because it has the fucking expiration date on it.  I think my sister threw it away the other day...and I knew the bread was about to expire so I was irritated.

10.  Green beans in a can with almonds.  Need I say more?  I know god damn well that PP wouldn't go for that.


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Six Flags

My mom's company picnic was today at Six Flags Discovery Bay in Vallejo.  Vallejo is such a shit hole city-- they actually went bankrupt-- the city went bankrupt.  WTF.  SHIT HOLE.

Anyways, we got in for $20.  What a deal.  It included park admission and a bbq lunch.  Not to be a bitch but the lunch was pretty nasty.  Nasty cheap hamburgers and these disgusting looking hotdogs, which I'm sure were loaded with nails, hair, and buttholes.  There was also baked beans and potato salad.  Unlimited Diet Coke, which I love.  Ice cream sandwiches for dessert. 

So, my mom, cousin, a teen girl I mentor, and myself went.  My dad was supposed to go but he flaked.  Whatever.  Thank goodness my cousin came.  She and the teen went on all the scary rides together.  I felt like a mom- waiting at the exit for them.  Ugh.   

A little known fact about me:  I have a terrible case of motion sickness.  I have been known to get sick on car rides (I'm usually just nauseous, I don't typically barf).  Since I feel like shit on car rides, naturally I also get sick on most rides.  If I go on a roller coaster I have to shut my eyes, and even then, I feel like shit after.  It's not just roller coasters, but anything that spins, goes up and down (i.e. Tower of Terror), or simulation rides.  Fuck, so pretty much anything that moves.  I can tolerate some rides better than others, but they all make me sick.  Bitches.

Honestly, by nature I'm not a thrill seeker.  I enjoy being on the ground.  Don't ask me to go sky diving or bungee jumping--- if you do, I'll just tell you to fuck off.  The most I'll do is parasailing-- which I almost had a heart attack, but it wasn't scary at all.  Actually quite enjoyable, then again, I wasn't falling out of the sky.  It wasn't scary at all.      

The best part of Six Flags was people watching.  I stared at every mother fucker there.  Terrible.  Just terrible.  I'm not trying to be mean, but I saw soooo many girls who were, not to be mean, really, really large.  Their guts were hanging over their pants and it looks awful.  Ok, I understand that not everyone is skinny and I really and truly believe that people should wear whatever they want...but... it looks terrible!!!  Tight, clingy t-shirts don't look good, especially if you can see the indentation of someone's belly button.  I saw plenty of those. Belly button indentations equals terrible.

Secondly.  Please guys, don't wear Ed Hardy shirts.  Can you say douchie?  I don't think I'm offending anyone... the only person who reads this blog is PP and Bob doesn't seem to be the Ed Hardy type.  I also hate hate hate the way guys wear their hats.  I can't describe it, but you know what I mean.  Lame.

The moral of the story, or this blog rather, is that I will never pay full price to go to Six Flags.  I literally can't go on any of the rides, so what's the point? 

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I Love Free

As you know I went to Europe earlier this summer.  It was semi-stressful because we traveled so much, but I had a wonderful time.  I got to see so much and it was amazing.  My favorite place was London.  If anyone ever wants to go there, I'm soooo down.  I love it.  Astounding, wonderful, fabulous... ugh I could go on about how much I love it there.

I think Europe in general has a better appreciation for their history, which includes monuments/architecture and works of art- sculpture, paintings, etc.  Of course their history spans hundreds and hundreds of years, while ours is still relatively new, especially here on the west coast.

I don't seems like in California there is high demand for everything to be new.  Let's tear down the old buildings and put up nice, pretty, sterile ones instead.  I know a lot of historical buildings were destroyed during the 1906 earthquake.  However, a lot of old buildings are crumbling into the ground due to neglect and seemingly no one cares--- well that, and there's no funding from the state to fix them.  Restoration.  What's that?

In London, and Europe in general, they are less likely to demolish buildings, they restore them.  Many of the old buildings are restored to their original state-- which means that they don't typically include elevators for physically disabled people.  We stayed in a hotel with no elevator-- we had to lug our god damn shit up 2 flights of narrow ass stairs.  Huffing and puffing the whole way.  If you are either physically unfit, old, or disabled, your ass better stay in a newer hotel, or on the bottom floor.  No air conditioning.  Weird furnace heater things.  Old plumbing.

So, I do have a point.  All of the museums in Britain are free because they are government agencies.  They take pride in all of the amazing art pieces they've collected over the years of British conquests.  For hundreds of years, they've truly known the value of these works of art- monetarily, socially, and historically.  Those bitches were everywhere- and they collected (or stole) thousands upon thousands of pieces of priceless art .  The British Museum is one of the most breath taking places I've ever been-- sooo beautiful, I can't even describe how it made me feel.  My chest was tight and I held back tears simply because it was that amazing.  Speechless.  The marble statues from Italy and Greece, so graceful and fluid and smooth.  Like you are looking into their soul, through their life-like eyes.  The paintings that have survived for so long.  Being in the presence of things that are so old and beautiful is humbling and something I will never forget.  The ancient Egyptians, all the artifacts- the mummies.  It brings tears to my eyes as I write this.  Did I mention that this museum is free?  Yep it was.  They did take donations, but it wasn't required to enter.  AMAZING.

The British Museum of Natural History was also free (except the ocean exhibit was extra).  They have fossils-- tons of fossils... everything you could think of.  A HUGE collection of dinosaurs.  A cool section about everything is connected in the world and how symbiotic relationships are necessary for the survival of every living thing on the planet.  How we are destroying our planet with waste. So much to see.  The planets, insects, every species of bird.  It was cool (not as cool as the British Museum, but still awesome).  This shit was free too. FREE.

 We also went to a weird medical museum.  It was at some college for surgeons--- I can't remember exactly what it's called.  It was basically a museum of weird shit.  Medical oddities, skeletons of people with various medical conditions, specimens of different species of animals, human fetus, old medical equipment.  Just weirdness in general.  My kind of place.  I will admit though, it was kinda creepy.  FREE.

It's nice to know that lots of different people can enjoy these museums.  Poor people aren't excluded because these places are so expensive.  Try taking a family of 4 to a museum--- that can be pricey, especially if you don't have a lot of money.  It's a great place for kids, to gain an appreciation for the earth and things of beauty.  It's just nice...

Of course, there are a lot of things in Europe you have to pay for.  For example, at Buckingham Palace, the Queen often has her private galleries open.  We saw an exhibit for Albert and Victoria (if you don't know their story, you should read about it, interesting), which was cheap as shit.  Around $12-$15.  We also went into the Royal Stables where all the horses are kept, and also, those pimped out horse drawn carriages for coronations, births, deaths, marriages, and shit like that.  The big ass gold one is crazy.  This exhibit was also pretty inexpensive about the same as Albert and Victoria.  The Tower Of London, around $25-- and you got to see all the Crown Jewels.  Some of the towers are from the 1400s--- all the history.  God, I find all that stuff absolutely fascinating.  Uhhh hell yeah I'll shell out a few bucks for that.

Ok, so here's where my point comes in.  Really.  I have never been to Alcatraz.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I've lived in the Bay Area for 33 years and I've never been.  I've been wanting to go forever.  So, recently, I was checking times, etc.  They have night tours.  I thought that would be super cool, maybe a little creepy since it's supposed to be haunted.  $35.  Yep.  $35.  Honestly, a place so popular, and presumably owned by the state you think it could be a little more reasonable.  Again a family of 4?  Shit, you're looking at over $100 to visit a historical landmark in the state in which we live.  A lot of people will miss out simply because they can't afford to go.  What a shame.  They probably make a shitload of money selling those fucking dumb t-shirts, "I escaped from Alcatraz". 

Another example, The Winchester Mystery House.  I know for a fact that the City of San Jose owns that shit.  It is sooooo pricey.  It's about $35 for the tour, which is like an hour.  Please.  If you want to do the extended tour, which includes going down into the basement (wearing a hard hat, thank you very much) and extends the tour by a half an hour is like $40.  Really?  The last time I went a few years ago the tour guide was a 17 year old pimply faced kid.  He spoke too fast and was a fucking terrible tour guide.  Jesus Christ.  He totally looked like Alfred E. Newman (you know from Mad Magazine).  I'm telling you, he was his son.  Seriously.  Anyways, I digress.  So, it's the same fucking tour every time.  Do you think they ever switch shit up?  Hell no.  Don't get me wrong, it's some interesting shit...that lady was crazy... but worth $35?  Ummm no.  I get that it takes a ton of money to run that place- to pay the employees, for maintenance, etc., but shouldn't the city/state help kick down?  It is a California Historical Landmark.  Shouldn't the state subsidize it?

Ok, so I do have an example of something cheap that's pretty cool, and after I tell you, I'm taking my ass to bed.

Not too far from where I live there is a Mission.  Every California kid has to learn about the mission system.  Junipero Serra?  Native Americans being forced and beaten into Christianity?  PP, you may have to ask Bob about this one.  I'm sure in Massachusetts, you learn about the pilgrims, Salem Witch Trials and shit that happened in your state.  Anyways, in Fremont we have a mission.  It's pretty cool.  It was built in the late 1700s, and for here, that's gd ancient.  It's still a church, which is totally creepy inside and it has a little museum with artifacts, and a creepy old graveyard- which you know I love.  So, all of this for the bargain price of $10.  Not too bad.  I think all the people who work there are volunteers.  It's nice and a pretty cool place to visit.  

So, most of the shit costs a ton of money.  How can our kids learn to appreciate and respect our history when it's so expensive you can't go?  It costs a lot of money to live here- almost 10% state sales tax.  Why can't any of this money go to the preservation of our history and culture?  Make it inexpensive so everyone can enjoy.  I don't know, I really think we could learn from places like England.   

Ok, I'm done now.  :) 


I love Facebook.  I think it's a fabulous way to keep in contact with people (ahem, PP).  But to what extent?  Who should these "people" include?  People in high school that I barely talked to?  People I work with whom I never do anything with outside of work?  Casual acquaintances?  Someone you met in a bar?

I think friends on Facebook should be people you have an actual relationship with.  Someone who knows you- but REALLY knows you on an intimate basis.  They know what makes you cry and what makes you laugh.  People whom you have shared special moments with.  People whom you want to be in your life forever because they make it special.  People whom I can't live without because they mean so much to me. 

I occasionally get random friend requests from random ass people.  Mostly people I went to high school with.  Let me reiterate that in high school I barely uttered 2 words.  Some of these people I don't remember talking to at all.  I have a few theories as to why this is... first, they are god damn nosy--  they want to see what you look like, how fat you've gotten, who you married, what you do, etc., the other theory is... they are Facebook friend whores.  It makes them feel good to have 60000 friends because in their mind it makes them "popular".  I have news for you: a. I'm not married  b. I don't have kids  c. I don't have any bikini-clad pictures and none with my boobs hanging out (not that I have any to hang out).  Basically nothing to incriminate myself.  Hope you aren't disappointed you god damn nosy ass bitches.

I feel somewhat hindered on Facebook.  I don't know... I guess I can't really be me.  Why do I always cater to everyone else?  Why do I care?  God, I'm so lame sometimes.  I guess I'm afraid that if I post "eat shit and die" people might not understand my humor and think I really mean it.  Like on this blog, I can talk about whatever I want and not feel weird or judged.  And I have 2 followers- my cousin and PP.  Neither of them would ever judge me and I can be free to talk about whatever I want.  Whatever I want.  I can tell them both to eat shit and die and they'll just think it's funny.  They just get me.

And I bet 95% on Facebook don't give a shit about me either way.  They don't care if I post a super cute picture of Phoenix, or if Shelby just had surgery.  You know what I mean?  The people on your Facebook should care about what you have to say.  If they don't, they shouldn't ask to be my friend.

The politics of Facebook is just weird.  What brought this up you ask?  Someone from work asked me to be their friend.  I'm her boss and I didn't really think she cared for me all that much anyways.  Almost everyone at work is on my Facebook.  I have a business relationship with most of the people.  I have a couple of good friends, but the rest????  No.  All I can say is you'd better not call in sick and post on Facebook that you had a great day at the beach.  

P.S.  Farmville, Frontierland, Fish Tank, Cafe World, and whatever the fuck else there is can all EAT SHIT AND DIE.  I hate looking at those posts.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

My Toe (This Is So TMI)

I have a fucked up toe.  I'm not really sure why it is, but it is.  I've had a problem with ingrown toenails for about 10 years or so.  I'm not sure what triggered it but let me tell you it hurts like a bitch.

Ok, so, I get ingrown toenails, mostly on my left big toe.  Although, I've had them on my right foot also.  Bilateral ingrown toenails.  Fabulous.  Luckily, the left one is the only toe that seems to be a repeat offender. 

I'm so accustomed to them that I know precisely when the nail starts to penetrate the skin.  At first, it's barely more than a slight pinch, but I know what's coming.  Pain.  I've been to the Drs several times.  But only after I can't stand the pain any longer and only after I have been unsuccessful at performing surgery on it myself.  Why do I wait so long, you ask?  Because of the terrible lidocaine injections.  They hurt sooooo bad, and normally, they give 3-4 in and around my toe.  Painful.

SURGERY:  This is gross, I I take a bath and let my toe soak for a bit.  It makes it easy to dig nail shards out if the surrounding area is soft.  And basically I get cuticle scissors and dig it out.  Let me reiterate that this is not an easy task.  Simply because it's really deep and usually it's inflamed and already hurts really badly.  I just really, really hate those lidocaine injections.  I have a routine and I pretty much know how to remove them myself now pretty easily.  But if I ever become incapacitated to the point where I can't lift my leg up and bend over while simultaneously digging, I'm screwed.

So, I've had my entire toenail removed a few times.  Disgusting, I didn't have a toenail for 6 months.  God dammit.  So, I just painted the skin to match my other nails.  Later, when I went to the podiatrist, he said that it's unnecessary to remove the whole toenail and should just remove the side where it's digging in my skin.  What a concept.  Dumb ass doctors.  Now, randomly, my right toenail will break off as a result of ripping off the nail. So, randomly I'll have half my nail peel off.  Shit. So gross.  Thankfully, it's growing back now.

Is there a solution to this?  Yes.  The podiatrist told me there's a procedure they can do which basically removes part of the nail root (where the nail originates and grows), but this includes plenty of lidocaine and stitches.  But, I'm a baby and I'm too scared to do it.

God, this is sooo TMI and disgusting.

P.S.  PP may remember when we met up at Disneyland--we were in line for 56 years for Nightmare Before Christmas.  My toe was hurting so bad.  It hurt terribly, like throbbing, horrible, infected nastiness. 

If I've learned anything, it's that I have a high pain tolerance.

Can You Spare Some Change?

Let me tell you I hate hate hate when people stand outside the grocery store and ask for money.  They sit outside with a little fucking card table, a decorated coffee can, and a sign.  The sign usually says something like "...for homeless women and kids".  Jesus Christ.  You should see these guys... and almost always men.  They look like, not to be mean, not the greatest society has to offer.  I know that's mean and judgmental, but I don't really give a shit.  It's true. 

Why I hate this so much:

It makes me feel super uncomfortable saying "no", so I usually say "no thank you, have a good day".  But honestly, I never have cash anyways.  I ALWAYS use my debit card.  Even if I did have change, that shit is going directly into my change jar at home (to save for my trip to see Pig Pen).  And anyways, I bet those guys take all those "donations" and go buy meth or crack or whatever else they're into.  I know it's mean.

I will use the opposite entrance of the store just so I won't have to be confronted by them.  Lame.  I really hate confrontations, even lame ones like this.  Example, Laura and I went to the store today.  Sure enough, a guy was camped out at the entrance, perched on his chair, with his card table/tv tray, with guess what??? Yep, the coffee can and the sign.  So, I told Laura that we were going out the other side of the store so we didn't have to talk to him.  We paid for our stuff, then left- opposite of the side we entered as I had insisted.  As we're heading out, yep, I see another guy setting his shit up.  He was just about to sit down when Laura and I jammed away before he could ask for money.

Honestly, I don't know what the big deal is.  All I have to do is politely decline, but I simply feel uncomfortable and weird.  Trader Joe's is the worst.  There are some religious people asking-- I'm not sure what they are.  The lady isn't a nun- I'm not sure what her deal is.  But she wears this little white hat and white outfit.  It's church affiliated for sure and I'm semi-certain that it's a little more reputable than the Safeway guys, but honestly, who knows.  So, for the past few years, she and a guy take turns standing out of the Trader Joes's.  After they ask for money and you decline they say "God Bless You".  Talk about making you feel bad.

Anyways, I just hate it...

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I Hate Small Talk

I'm kinda socially retarded.  I know the term isn't politically correct and I don't mean to offend any mentally challenged people.  It's just an adjective I use...when I say "retarded" I don't literally mean someone who has an extra chromosome, aka Down's Syndrome.  Does that make sense?  Probably not.  Let me reiterate, I'm not being mean. 

Anyways, I absolutely hate being introduced to new people.  I can barely say "hello, nice to meet you".  When I'm trying to impress someone I say "I'm pleased to meet you" or "It's a pleasure to meet you".  Ugh what an idiot.  After the introductions is the absolute worst.  I feel really self conscious and I don't know what to say.  Awkward.  I just stand there like an idiot and smile, hardly saying a word.  If you ever see a blonde girl smiling away not saying anything, it's probably me.  And in the meantime, I'm trying not to look miserable, which is almost impossible for me.  A miserable, smiling, blonde girl is often synonymous for....BITCH.  And not just a bitch, a snobby, stuck up bitch.  Great.  Then I start to feel more self conscious because I know what people are thinking "ew, what's her problem." 

First of all, I don't know what to say.  I can never think of anything clever or funny.  And the more I think about what to say the worse it gets.  Then I start to panic because I'm not saying anything.  I get all nervous and panicked.  What can I say, I just feel LAME.

Example.  My ex was quite the social butterfly.  He was a CSU Chico Alumni.  Ummm Chico=Party School.  Anyways, he was part of a fraternity (seriously? barf.).  He had sooo many friends-- or "bros" whatever the fuck you want to call them.  While I'm like, uhhhh, I have exactly 5 friends.  Anyways, he had so many friends that one of them was always getting married.  So guess who got invited to all of these weddings?  Yep.  Me.  The social idiot.  And let me tell you, weddings are the absolute worst for people like me, especially when you're someone's date.  I knew exactly 1 person.  My boyfriend.  The church part was ok.  All of the weddings we attended were in church.  I hate church, but I loved how you had to sit still and be quiet.  The longer the better.  Shit, I'd love a god damn 2 hour Catholic ceremony.  I welcome it even.  It meant that I didn't have to talk to anyone.

But the dinner/reception.  Oh God.  I'd start to panic yet again.  Oh no.  Who were we sitting with?  Would they like me?  Pictures? Nooooo!!!  Here we go.

Once, we went to a wedding in Palm Desert in May.  Jesus Christ.  It was 110 degrees, seriously.  We stayed the whole weekend.  OMG what's worse than a 1 day event?  A 3 day event.  So we get to the resort and all the boyfriend's friends were---- in the pool.  I didn't know anyone.  So, bathing suit and strangers equals misery for Christy.  However, I managed to make a friend.  One of my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend.  And let me tell you that if I do happen to make friends with a stranger, they'd better watch out.  I'll be a god damn stalker and follow them around everywhere.  Ugh.  So, it was non stop misery for me.  The night we got there, there was a party--terrible, terrible.  I know I was being a fucking bitch and I didn't care.  I was irritated by all the idiot drunk people.  Girls pulling up their skirts because they were so trashed- like fucking Girls Gone Wild.  Shit.  There was also a night-before-the-wedding party.  Seriously?  I was so nervous I couldn't eat anything.  This party was a little more responsible because there were adults-- the brides parents and such.  And to put icing on the cake, I didn't bring anything appropriate to wear to a party, only the wedding.  So everyone was semi-dressed up and I was in jeans, a tank, and flip flops. Christ.  Later, my boyfriend, his friend and my "new friend" had to go to some gross Mexican restaurant so I could eat.  Shit.

Ok, so the wedding.  It was hotter than a bitch.  Let me tell you this wedding cost a shit load.  At a resort...the only thing I didn't like was the dinner.  A fucking bloody raw slab of some kind of beef and a piece of fucking salmon.  Gross.  At least have a choice of chicken assholes.  On the upside, there was (drum roll, please) an open bar.  Yep.  Open bar.  Christy's liquid courage.  Ahhh.  I could finally relax.  I don't condone drinking copious amounts of alcohol, but sometimes it's just necessary.  So, Christy+Mostly Empty Stomach+Alcohol=A Happy Girl.  Shit, I think I was even friendly.  Me.  Friendly.  Yep.  And I drank like 5 Mojitos.  And these weren't shitty bottled Mojitos.  Like real ones with muddled mint and everything and it even had a rock candy swizzle stick (cuz apparently I needed the extra sugar in addition to the sugars the alcohol was producing).

So, I was drunk.  Extra happy.  Friendly.  Dancing, dancing, dancing.  I remember getting down to Rihanna's Umbrella-- singing that shit, spinning around.  Not caring about anything.  Not caring if anyone thought I was a stuck up bitch. 

At the end of the night, they had little boxes of Krispy Creme donuts for everyone.  Yum.  We could grab our donuts and head back to the room and relax.  I would probably watch tv and not get any ("any" was absolutely the worst thing in the world anyways, so I wasn't entirely upset), because undoubtedly asshole drank too much alcohol and would be passed out in no time.  An open bar to him was pure heaven.  An excuse to act like an idiot and drink as much as his fat gut could hold.

Anyways, so he announced to me that we were going to an "after party".  Are you serious?  I've spent a total of 16 hours with your god damn friends (15 more than I would deem necessary).  And they were in people's hotel room.  My buzz was instantly gone.  Fuck that shit.  I'm absolutely NOT, I repeat NOT hanging out in stranger's hotel rooms, while they proceed to get drunk, stoned, and act like morons.  So, I pitched a fit.  I told him he could go if he wanted to, but you better know I'll be the most fucking pissed off bitch in the world if you leave me--even though I said it was ok.

Long story short, he stayed with me and blah blah, the rest of the story is boring.

So, I woke up in the morning so we could head out.  I had the worst headache in the world and I was sooo hungover.  I barfed several times.  He got into the shower.  Oooh.  I remembered we still had those Krispy Creams.  Maybe those delicious, fried dough would help my hangover.  I went over to the box... that mother fucker ate them all.  You fat fucking asshole.  Didn't even save me one.    


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Friend Pig Pen

My friend Pig Pen is sweet.  She has the biggest heart of anyone I know.  She's pretty and funny and kind and smart.  Sometimes, I know she doesn't think so, but she is.  People like Pig Pen are hard to come by- simply genuine.  The type of person who can always make you smile.  The type of person you can't wait to hear from because you enjoy listening to what they have to say.   

I didn't know she cared about me so much.  I hadn't heard from her in so long.  While I was being prideful and hurt, she had her own issues.  I didn't know she was being upset by her work, or that she was diving in dumpsters.  Maybe she thought I wouldn't understand, but none of that matters now.  Why?  Because it doesn't, because I don't care.     

You know someone is truly your friend when you haven't talked for years and you can pick up where you left off.  You can talk about silly stuff and serious matters as if it were second nature.  Like it just feels right for this person to be in your life. 

I always know that I won't be judged and she knows the same.  She's a little OCD and neurotic.  And?  I love worrying.  I just don't feel right if I'm not worrying about something.  I always worry about my dogs.  Once, not too long ago, I left to go to the gym.  Halfway there I had a bad feeling that I left the front door open and the kids were running through the streets.  So, I exited the freeway and headed back home to check.  Guess what?  Everything was fine.  I always worry about things like this. 

So, I'm weird.  And I have a weird sense of humor.  I make up voices for my dogs and I think swearing is the funniest thing in the world.  I enjoy documentaries and weirdness in general.  I like ghosts and I like graveyards.  I like Judge Judy.  I enjoy history, weird history like Vlad the Impaler weird.  Or the Salem Witch Trials, or that bitch queen who drank the blood of virgins because she thought it would keep her young.  I like learning about medical conditions.  I find the British Monarchy fascinating.  I'm left handed  I love love love Lady Gaga and I love Stevie Nicks.  I like to read.  I like scary movies.  I'm interested in how the earth was made and what will happen when the sun dies.  I'm fascinated by what would happen if the earth stopped spinning.  I love the shows Pawn Stars and American Pickers.  I love Dexter and True Blood.  I'm passionate and opinionated about the things I like.  And guess what?  All these things comprise the person I am- weird or not.  And anyways, who defines what weird is.  So anyone who thinks I'm weird can, guess what? Eat shit and die. 

And come on, we both love the same things... crunchy peanut butter?  Diet Coke addictions?  Really?  All little things, but when added up, they become so significant.

I'm so sorry I've missed out on so much.  But I'm going to make up for all the things I've missed throughout the years.  Pig Pen will not always be a part of my life no matter what, but I want her in my life.

What can I say, Pig Pen is the greatest friend in the world and I'm happy and honored to be her friend.  I love Pig Pen!

My Dirty Ass Car

I admit, I'm a slob.  I'm not totally disgusting, just a little messy.  My house doesn't look like an episode of Hoarder or anything.  My car on the other hand, is disgusting.

So, I have a Honda Civic-- it's black.  Slobs + Black Cars = Bad News.  Right now, the windows are so dirty I can barely see out of them.  Not to mention the bird shit splattered on the window.  Thanks, you asshole bird.  As if the shit wasn't dirty enough to begin with.  The outside of this vehicle is clean compared to the inside, however.

For starters, there's about 5 or 6 Starbucks cups on the floor of the passenger side.  My cup holders are occupied by 2 additional Starbucks cups.  And the hair.  OMG. The hair.  There's dog hair, my hair- it's quite disgusting, long hairs, short hairs, I have quite the variety.  I've tried vacuuming, but the I can't rid my car of all the god damn hair.  I think it's embedded in the seats forever.  It's not like I haven't tried.

Receipts.  There's also a million of those.  Safeway, Target, Trader Joe's, and Stabucks.  And you know how they give you a coupon at the grocery store- along with your receipt?  I have a million of those.  And I digress but why aren't those coupons of anything I would ever buy?  Nicorette Gum??? You fucking assholes!  Waste of paper.  Or I get other stupid ones like baby food.  Why can't I get coupons for stuff I actually buy?? What a concept.  Seriously, I never get anything good.  Anyways... 

Every time my sister gets in my car she laughs at a cobweb/my hair entanglement near the window.  Excuse me, at least I didn't get pulled over by a cop and get asked if I was moving because my car is so messy.  Yes, my sister got pulled over and the cop noticed all the shit in her car and asked if she was moving.  She said yes- even though she wasn't moving nor had any plans to move.  

When Phoenix was a baby, he shit in my car.  Behind the emergency break there is a little compartment.  Of course it was open, so he decided that was a good place to poop.  So, he pooped in the little compartment.  Ummmm yeah.  I'm sure I didn't clean every poop molecule, so there's probably shit fragments still present.

I have several excuses as to why my car is a mess.  First, I'm a slob (duh), second, if I wasn't always cleaning the god damn house I may have time to clean my car.  Next, i work too damn much.  And lastly, I'm too lazy.

Ok, so today is my day off.  It's approximately 3:53pm.  I'm headed out in this god damn heat to try and clean.  Wish me luck, I'm going to need it...  

Monday, August 2, 2010

Diet Coke

I love Diet Coke.  No, seriously, I love it.  I can hear a can open from a mile away- music to my ears.  The delicious sound-- the drink of the gods.  Sweet, sweet nectar.   

I don't know how or when this love developed.  I remember when I only had eyes for Pepsi.  I never thought I would love anything as much, until I met Diet Coke.  I know, I know, it has aspartame in it- which has caused cancer in laboratory rats.  Along with a million other terrible chemicals.  I guess I don't care.  Plus, in
my defense, I don't smoke (more on how much I hate cigarettes later), do drugs, and hardly ever drink.  I eat relatively healthy and I try to buy mostly organic foods.  So, in some weird way I feel that maybe it balances out. Diet Coke isn't really that detrimental to my health, is it?

I love it with breakfast, at lunch, and at dinner, with several in between.  I even love it with dessert foods and chocolate and peanut butter.  Just delicious.  If I know I'm getting low, I start to get nervous.  I insist that I have a surplus of my favorite beverage.  It's like my drug, and yes, I'm addicted.  

I went on a cruise to Mexico last year.  You could buy a soda pass for $20.00.  OMG.  Seriously, I drank 7 cans of DC a day.  To this day, that was the best money I've ever spent.  Well, I should say... my stupid ex, that was the best money he ever spent.  And what a savings for me!  I love free sodas.  And free cruises for that matter.

So, yes, in case you didn't know... I love Diet Coke. 



You May Not Know This

So, I have a self diagnosed eating/sleeping disorder.  I Googled all the symptoms-- who needs a Doctor.  I know, it's totally irritating when people look up and diagnose themselves, but  I also talked to a medical student about this, so I'm good.  Mind you, key word STUDENT.  And I'm cheap and don't want to pay a $20 co-payment to tell someone I'm weird.

Apparently, this is a genetic condition (I read that on the internet).  Both my mom and sister suffer from it.  So here goes...

I wake up in the middle of the night and eat.  It's very random and can happen up to 3-4 times nightly.  I'm not quite sure what triggers it, or why it's so variable.  Sometimes, I'll only do it once, and sometimes not at all.  Or sometimes if I take a nap during the day, I wake up hungry.  It's not limited to night.  And I must mention that even if I eat a giant meal, I will still wake up hungry.  I'm not just hungry, I'm starving.  It's hard to explain.  It's like my brain is telling my body I'm hungry even though I'm not.  Malfunction.  Something is mis-firing.  OMG.  If I hear my sister getting up and opening either the refrigerator or opening a bag of something, I automatically wake up and want some too.  And if she hears me, it's the same. 

Anyways, so I wake up and I'm starving-- I simply can't get back to sleep unless I eat.  I wish I craved healthy foods, like an apple or carrot or something equally nutritious and relatively calorie free.  Umm no, this isn't the case.  I crave carbs.  Mostly peanut butter.  And I will let it be known that I only eat Skippy Naturals (the non partially hydrogenated kind), CRUNCHY.  Yes, I said crunchy.  Anyone have a problem with that?  Seriously, creamy can eat shit and die.  I hate it--- I don't know why creamy peanut butter makes me so mad but it does.  Ok, yeah so I eat a ton of peanut butter-- sometimes I will eat it with a banana, but mostly I will just eat it by the spoonful.  I almost always wash it down with Diet Coke- but I always wash everything down with a Diet Coke, so that's not unusual.  It totally satisfies me so I can go back to sleep.   And I can go to sleep almost instantly after I've eaten.

Here's a list of other things I've eaten: 

1. Croutons
2. Chips of any type
3. Hot fudge out of the jar with a spoon

4. Bread
5. Ice Cream
6. Nuts
7. Whip cream from the can
8. Leftovers from restaurants- which isn't limited to Chinese food, pizza, Italian-- anything I can get my hands on

These items aren't entirely unusual, but in the middle of the night, it's kinda weird.  Plus, there's probably more.  Sometimes I don't really remember waking up until I get up in the morning and I have shit stuck in my teeth.  Fabulous for my oral health I'm sure.  Luckily, I don't have many cavities.  More importantly, luckily I don't weigh 5 million pounds.

I've seen on TV where people have to put a god damn lock on the fridge... Jesus Christ-- thankfully I'm not to that point.  Apparently, if this gets unmanageable you can start anti-depressants to help control it.

So yeah... this adds to my weirdness.  A little something that you may not know about me...

P.S. I've been doing really well lately.  And I never, ever do it away from home (so don't worry, PP).:)