My Dirty Ass Car

I admit, I'm a slob.  I'm not totally disgusting, just a little messy.  My house doesn't look like an episode of Hoarder or anything.  My car on the other hand, is disgusting.

So, I have a Honda Civic-- it's black.  Slobs + Black Cars = Bad News.  Right now, the windows are so dirty I can barely see out of them.  Not to mention the bird shit splattered on the window.  Thanks, you asshole bird.  As if the shit wasn't dirty enough to begin with.  The outside of this vehicle is clean compared to the inside, however.

For starters, there's about 5 or 6 Starbucks cups on the floor of the passenger side.  My cup holders are occupied by 2 additional Starbucks cups.  And the hair.  OMG. The hair.  There's dog hair, my hair- it's quite disgusting, long hairs, short hairs, I have quite the variety.  I've tried vacuuming, but the I can't rid my car of all the god damn hair.  I think it's embedded in the seats forever.  It's not like I haven't tried.

Receipts.  There's also a million of those.  Safeway, Target, Trader Joe's, and Stabucks.  And you know how they give you a coupon at the grocery store- along with your receipt?  I have a million of those.  And I digress but why aren't those coupons of anything I would ever buy?  Nicorette Gum??? You fucking assholes!  Waste of paper.  Or I get other stupid ones like baby food.  Why can't I get coupons for stuff I actually buy?? What a concept.  Seriously, I never get anything good.  Anyways... 

Every time my sister gets in my car she laughs at a cobweb/my hair entanglement near the window.  Excuse me, at least I didn't get pulled over by a cop and get asked if I was moving because my car is so messy.  Yes, my sister got pulled over and the cop noticed all the shit in her car and asked if she was moving.  She said yes- even though she wasn't moving nor had any plans to move.  

When Phoenix was a baby, he shit in my car.  Behind the emergency break there is a little compartment.  Of course it was open, so he decided that was a good place to poop.  So, he pooped in the little compartment.  Ummmm yeah.  I'm sure I didn't clean every poop molecule, so there's probably shit fragments still present.

I have several excuses as to why my car is a mess.  First, I'm a slob (duh), second, if I wasn't always cleaning the god damn house I may have time to clean my car.  Next, i work too damn much.  And lastly, I'm too lazy.

Ok, so today is my day off.  It's approximately 3:53pm.  I'm headed out in this god damn heat to try and clean.  Wish me luck, I'm going to need it...