Coupons and Late Night Blogging

I try really hard to use coupons.  You can TOTALLY save a ton of money.  Like that lady on tv who can feed a family of 8 for $6 a week.  Well, I'm exaggerating, but she does save loads of money.  But seriously, how long does she spend looking for that shit?  She is probably SUPER organized and has a coupon organizer with color-coded dividers.  It's probably a full-time job searching for those must-have deals-- buy 5 Hamburger Helpers, get 1 free-- double/triple coupons.  What the fuck are those anyways??  Obviously, I'm an ignoramus when it comes to coupon lingo. 


Coupons don't USUALLY work for me for the following reasons:

1. I forget I have it and it'll stay on the refrigerator forever
2. I lost it
3. I won't use it before it expires
4. I feel like an asshole when presenting them (I never know when to give them to the checker-- at the beginning, or the end, or when they scan that particular item you have the coupon for.  It's just way too stressful for me).  I'm an asshole. 
5. I hardly ever find coupons that I would actually use 
6. If I do remember, I'll forget it on the counter when I go to the store

There are exceptions to every rule, however.  While I was at Target today, I saw coupon glued onto the box of a Smart Ones-- buy 10, get $3 off.  Hell yes.  AND the super nice checker lady had another 0.50 off coupon she gave to me while I was paying.  That's a pretty big savings- so I can't say I NEVER find coupons.  It's just a rarity, that's all.


On grocery store websites, they now have a system where you can electronically put virtual coupons on your Club Card.  This alleviates stress dealing with actual coupons-- all you have to do is punch in your phone number (I lost my Club Card) and they will automatically deduct the savings from your total.  Awesome, right?  Ummm... no.  It's ALWAYS lame stuff that I'll never use.  Please refer to my examples below, which were taken from the store's website:

 

DISGUSTING

Save 55¢

HORMEL® CHILI

on any two (2) HORMEL® Chili. Any variety.

Ewww

SAVE $1.00

RESER'S FINE FOODS

on any 3lb or larger Reser's Deli Salad

Ummmm

SAVE $1.00

LICEMD®

On LiceMD Lice & Egg Treatment

Immaculate

Save $5.00

CLEARBLUE

On any ONE Ovulation Test

See what I'm talking about??  The website has 7 pages of lame shit.  Lame shit that I don't use nor want.  Thanks for all the savings you assholes.  AND they give you a roll of useless coupons with your receipt after you pay.  I swear to God, I always get the lamest ones-- Nicorette Gum.  Nicorette? Gum?  Really?  And baby food.  Great.  Thanks.  That's exactly what I needed.

I wonder what I can buy with all this money I'm saving?  I was being sarcastic, you asshole.  I'm not saving anything-  well except for $3.50 on Smart Ones.

The End.