I Was a Pilgrim For Halloween

I know everyone is sick of me talking about my trip to Massachusetts.  But honestly, I don't care.  I had the absolute best time ever in the history of good times.  The people whom I visited (Jess, Robert, Ivan, and Dashy) have absolutely no idea as to how much I needed that trip and how much it meant me.  Words, especially mine, can never fully and adequately express my gratitude and love for them.   And I'm not saying it to be dramatic or to appease anyone- it's true.


Yankee Candle.  Holy shit.  It was the BIGGEST selection of candles you will ever see in one place.  Every scent imaginable under one big roof.  AMAZING.  Megan even shared coupons, which is awesome, because those bitch candles are expensive.  It was all so lovely.  What a great day.

Haunted Woods.  OMG.  The scariest thing ever.  We laughed and laughed and screamed like assholes.  A stroll through the dark with scary shit jumping out- chainsaw wielding maniacs.  I'm not just talking about 1-- there were (ummm I'm not exactly sure because I was hiding my head against PP) maybe 3.  I think the scariest thing was the creepy drunk Santa and Elf.  THE SANTA SMELLED LIKE BOOZE.  Lovely.  He was absolutely disgusting.  And why did Jess give him her name???!!  Slurring Santa: "Whhatttt isthss your naaammmme?" PP: "Jess"  Slurring Santa: "Whhuuts your lasht name? PP: "Cota".  Jesus Christ.  He pulled out a roll of toilet paper to "check" his list and decided that Jess was indeed naughty, ripped off a piece of the paper and threw it.  The moral of the story?  Do not give drunk Santa your full name.  AND if Santa gives you toilet paper and you ran out at home, you'd better take that shit.  Awesome.

Boston.  What can I say?  An amazing place full of history and cool old shit.  We went to an awesome aquarium, where I almost went into a god damn rage because I couldn't find the aquarium setting on my stupid camera.  Line management/configuration is serious business.  The old cemeteries?  Simply awesome.  The leaves?  I never knew trees could be so beautiful.  The lamp post street lights?  So old fashioned and lovely-  almost like you stepped back into time.  Chewbacca on a Segway?  What the hell.  A big giant food court?  I LOVED every minute of it.  I even loved it when PP got mad that we were walking over the scary dinosaur bridge to Bunker Hill.  Nice.  And if she thinks I can't pick up on when she's mad, or there's something wrong, she's mistaken.

Provincetown.  Didn't make it there, but I'm sure it's lovely.  We did get lost on the way AND did see some assholes running a marathon.  We turned around because it got too late.

Plymouth.  Greasy ass, delicious chicken strips and fries.  A piece of shit rock that may or may NOT have been the actual rock in which the pilgrims landed.  A big giant crack in it from when some asshole dropped it- THEN cemented it back together way back in the 1800s.  A big "1620" stamped onto it.  Lame.  VERY UNDERWHELMING.  But it's good for a laugh or two.  We went to the best cemetery.  Sooooo cool.  We saw a Dyke and walked aimlessly without a care in the world, THROUGH A GRAVEYARD.  And how could I forget about Bob's bff Massasoit?  I could die just thinking about how funny that is.  I wish I was part Wampanoag, just so I could say Wampanoag and Massasoit every day.  And the small pox?  Jesus Christ.    Ummm perhaps the best part of Plymouth-- the god damn gift shop.  Placemats, and funny shit in general.  I even found my Halloween costume there.  A pilgrim hat and a Plymouth sweatshirt.  Yes.  I am officially an asshole.

Halloween Night.  Brains for dinner.  Really?  Awesome.  Friends who accept you even if you are an awkward dumb ass?  Priceless.  That's when you know you have good friends-- they accept you for all your shortcomings and asshole-ish behavior.  AND they love you anyways, then tell you to go to the doctor and get some god damn ativan.  Now that's love.  Am I right?  What about all the jack-o-lanterns?  That guy was a carving fool.  I had never seen so many pumpkins in one place.  Hello Kitty Costume + Hello Kitty Pumpkin = The Cutest Thing Ever.  An awesome night, after I had some gross wine. :(  

Salem.  Awesome.  Every asshole has heard of the Salem Witch Trials.  A super interesting, yet dark part of early American history.  Now those were some serious assholes.  We stood on the same ground where the "witches" were unjustly and unfairly hanged.  The House of Seven Gables.  Super cool.  I admit, the tour guide was indeed interesting- he was very enthusiastic and you could tell he truly loved his job.  That is such an important part of being a guide-- because honestly, if you don't give a shit, how can you expect anyone else to be interested?  Just please stop repeating yourself.  Repeating yourself.  Because I'm getting really fucking anxious.  Anxious.  And the sangwich place we went to?  YUM.  And the cheapest food you will get without going to Taco Hell.  And I'll punch out your already rotten teeth slut, don't question what PP wants to omit from her sangwich!!!!!!!!  I get it, it's an abomination that she doesn't want fucking cranberries and gravy on her sangwich, but keep your opinions to yourself. 

Marblehead.  "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your walk..."  why is that the cutest, most polite thing ever?  Sure, we got lost for a minute, but not too bad!  Castle Rock was how I envisioned Plymouth Rock to look like.  Super impressive and beautiful.  It was eerily peaceful and surreal, and just plain awesome.  The smell of the Atlantic Ocean, the beauty, and peacefulness was enough to bring the biggest cynic to tears.  And make you believe that everything will be ok. 

I'm sure I forgot lots of things, but I'm tired.  How could I forget chin hair lancets?  Or Jesus communion wafers?  My winter coat?  PP's fall coat?  Losing everything?  Unmatching socks?  Laughing? Dashy farting in my face?  Ivan giving me filthy looks?  Dashy and Ivan tap dancing in my suitcase?  Santa's Slay?  Thankskilling?

If everyone was half as good and kind and sweet and smart and funny as Jess, the world would be what it should be-- amazing.  I'm happy we can be assholes together and that someone just "gets it".  I'm lucky and privileged to call her my friend.