It's That Time of Month

So I don't have much time to dilly dally.  I actually have plans to go to the movies with a big group of people I don't know.  Well, that actually isn't true, I'll know approximately 3 people out of the group.  So luckily, going to the movies doesn't require much conversation.  We all know I'm an asshole around people I don't know.   

Have you ever felt that sometimes your best isn't good enough?  I feel that way at work right now.  I've worked so hard to make it better, but I have not succeeded.  It often leaves me feeling inadequate, frustrated, and depressed.  I suppose there are lots of reasons why I feel this way-- some undoubtedly stem from myself, my own insecurities, and issues.  My inability, at times, to talk to people and be forthcoming.  But, I will not take all the blame because I feel there are deeper issues within the organization- some things that I don't have control over.  Things that I try to fix, but fail miserably.   

I need a change.  I outgrew my job a long time ago.  But what else can I do?  I'm so comfortable with my work, no matter how stressful and shitty it is-- it's familiar.  I know what I'm doing and it feels good when people come to me for help because they know I can give them an answer.  I'm comfortable-- too cozy for my own good.   I know what I want, but am uncertain as to how to obtain it.  Is it my laziness? Or my inability to push myself?  Or maybe I'm scared?   The answer is yes- -all of these things hinder my ability to move forward with my life.  I'm afraid of failure- so much in fact, that I don't even try.  Which, in my opinion is cowardly, and worse than failing.

I want to help people.  In what capacity?  I have no idea.  There are so many things I know I can do-- and don't get me wrong, there are people who have told me that I've helped them- clients at work and personally.  But what if I could do that every day?  What if I could make someone's day better?  That is my ultimate dream.  To make a difference in someone's life- to help them when they feel like no one else cares. 

You know when you feel like you have so much to give but don't know where to begin?  That's how I feel right now.  It's overwhelming and scary.