Project: Date, Part 1

I have a dilemma.  I haven't had a date in almost a year.  My ex boyfriend and I broke up last year around this time.  I didn't even cry, so I suppose I really didn't give a shit.  Adios, mother fucker.  I mean really, there's more important things to cry about, like the passing of my dog, cat, and grandma.  Not to mention all the suffering and injustice in the world- abused children and animals, famine, war...  Or even saying goodbye to a friend, whom I miss dearly.  Those are things to cry about, not some asshole.  If some guy thinks I'm going to cry over him, that sure as shit not going to happen.  Nope.  I refuse to waste one minute of my time on that shit.  

I've had a few offers-- ummm by offers, I think one.  Some guy I met at a bar, while I was reaaallly drunk (thanks, Stephanie).  I accidentally gave him my phone number and he kept texting me for 2 months.  I must have made a fabulous impression.  I know it's a huge surprise, but I'm actually kinda friendly once I've guzzled a couple of drinks down.  I'm not bragging.  Seriously, I'm not.  In my drunken haze, I remember him showing me his TRACHEOSTOMY TUBE SCAR.  Jesus Christ.

I was talking to Stephanie tonight (she doesn't have a date either) and we were discussing how this date situation is getting ridiculous and out of control.  So, we've decided to work on finding dates.  QUALITY OVER QUANTITY.  And not awful ones, but with good jobs AND their own car.  Because really, there's no room in my car for passengers, so he has to drive.

So, I've come up with a short list of qualifications for my potential date.  Please feel free to make any additional suggestions.

1. No smoking, drinking, or drugs
2. Must be taller than me by 6 inches
3. Must make more than me, which isn't hard
4. Love dogs and cats
5. Preferably dark hair
6. Caring
7. Funny- but not funnier than me
8. Smart- I can't stand dummies
9. Integrity
10. Charming
11. Nerdy- but not Dungeons and Dragons nerdy
12. Handsome-  but really, beggars can't be choosers
13. Thoughtful
14. NOT arrogant or smug- seriously, I can't take it
15. Open minded
16. Democratic
17. NOT anxious- I just can't be with someone as neurotic as me
18. Nice teeth- no snags, please!!

Someone who will help an old lady with her groceries.
Someone who will run out into the street to save a lost dog.  
Someone who will donate a toy to a needy child.
Someone who will not stare at my sister's fake boobs.

**** He has to be best friends with my best friends, so we can do everything together ****

Ok, so now I just need a plan.  I suppose phase 1 would be getting out of the mother fucking house....

To Be Continued...